Yes, I'm still on board

I keep forgetting to blog about this! aaaarhh

I'm still doing well with the patch, though I am running out of the 14 mg ones. I don't know if I will be ready to step down to 7 mg when these run out. I wish you could cut the patches. Y'know...make it custom to fit MY needs. I still want one a few times a day. Like in the morning with coffee. Actually, that's the big one. Sigh. I do miss that. I wish I could trust myself just to smoke that one a day. But, I know I will just smoke more and more, so NO! Not even going to let myself think about that. Grrrrr. I hate smoking and am officially a hater of the tobacco companies! Why must you create this delightfulness that is sooooooooooooooo freaking bad for you, and is soooooooooooo addictive? Hm? Oh, that's right...money. That's the only reason anyone does anything anymore.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ok, so I suck. I had one. I'm a total loser and can't do anything right. I went out and got more patches, the step 2 ones. Instantly felt better. These itch more than the full strength ones!

Well, I have successfully proven that the habit is gone, but the addiction is full blown and freaking horrible. I have a whole new understanding and compassion for heroin addicts now. Seriously. If smoking is this tough, I can't even begin to imagine how terrible heroin must be. :( So, starting from Day 1 again...unless you don't count that one I had today. I had to. If that makes me weak, so be it. I'm weak. But, I'm back on the wagon. Hopefully, this will work out as well as it did last week until I ran out.

Day 8

Sigh. Quitting smoking sucks. As I mentioned in my last entry, I am doing this sans patch. So far, I've been ok (if you count almost taking a butt from the trash and smoking it). It's funny though. Once you stop the habit part, you can really tell just how addictive nicotine is. I was bawling my eyes out for no reason yesterday, but I refused to give in.

It is officially pissing me off that my husband hasn't quit. If I can go one week without smoking (three of those days with no nicotine replacement), then he can quit dammit! It is to the point where whenever I see him smoke, I want to...a) punch him in the face b)take all his cigarettes and c) smoke them all in front of him. I seriously don't know what to do, because frankly, I think he's making it so much harder for me. And it's not like we don't have a good reason for quitting. Grrrrr! See how mad I am? We are supposed to be saving money because of the bills and here he is just smoking away. Well, to be fair, he cut down from over a pack a day to like 5 or 6 cigs a day. But still!!! It makes me so freaking mad. More later when I start freaking out again.

Day 7

I am in hell. Yesterday, I ran out of patches and have no money to go buy more. So, cold turkey it is. I just about exploded last night. This sucks! Dropping the habit first definitely helped, but omfg this is horrible. It comes and goes. Like right now, I feel so out of it and all I can think of doing is smoking a cigarette. I can almost taste it! But I won't won't won't won't smoke. I didn't waste all freaking week tormenting myself for nothing. Fuck cigarettes! I don't need them.

What I do need is something to do. I'm chewing gum like a maniac, I crocheted a table runner already, and I have nothing to do tonight. Maybe I'll just sleep? I don't know. This sucks and I can't wait til this sucky suck part is over. Jesus this sucks.

Whoops..Day 5 and Day 6

I totally forgot to blog yesterday about my Day 5. Day 5 was fine. No problems.

Day 6 is going well. I just ate some chinese food (again) and have actually contemplated smoking. Not that I can because there are none in the house, but if there were...I dunno. I might have had one. Or a drag. Something. I'm still feeling sick, all nauseous and gross. How can that happen without the withdrawal? I mean, the patch still gives you nicotine, so how could I possibly go through withdrawal? Sigh. Feeling gross sucks.

This, for the record, is the longest I've ever gone without a cigarette since I started smoking. Soo, hooray for me! My husband is having a harder time, because he isn't using the patch. He doesn't smoke whole cigarettes anymore, but he still hasn't broken the habit part of it. That's where I know I have problems, hence the patch. I hope he kicks it soon though. I want to go down a dose and don't think having him smoke will help me in anyway. :P

Did I mention how freaking good my shampoo smells? :) The sense of smell thing is weird and for the first time, cigarettes smelled really really nasty. I guess that's a good sign. Shame everything else smells really really nasty too. Except for the shampoo. That's good.

Day 4

That's right! I got through Day 4, with no problems whatsoever. It's pretty cool to realize you can retrain your body. The hands no longer get all crazy, but according to the comments and looks I've been getting from my husband...my mood hasn't really improved. Well, that's not entirely true. My temper is the problem. I have apparently become rather snappy, but not really in a bad mood.

See, ever since the weekend, I've been feeling sick. Stuffy/runny nose, sneezing, and kinda out of it until today. Today I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit. The nausea was on and off all day. Ugh. I hate feeling like that. So, my original point was that I've been sick, but not necessarily in a bad mood. Stupid temper.

So, still good! My sense of smell is apparently returning and I'll be damned if anything actually smells good. All the different smells I've noticed so far have been awful. From car exhaust to candles burning and coffee brewing to the "bathroom funk"...I hate it! I can't believe that this has been here all along. There is no way my sense of smell was that bad. Because even when I smoked I had a very sharp sense of smell. In all seriousness though...the world smells terrible. Cigarette smoke now stinks like the "Bog of Eternal Stench". I'm sure someone that reads this will get that. It makes me sneeze. My nose has been really dry. I don't know if that is from the patch, not smoking, or being sick. Even though the world smells like poo, it's pretty cool to be like..."yeah. I smelled that way before you did." Ha ha. Speaking of smells...my cat just farted all up in my face and it reeks! Ugh.

Can't wait til Day 5. Maybe I'll smell something non-vomit inducing.

Day 3

Even better than Day 2. I really didn't have an urge to smoke at all today. Even after a delicious, spicy, and greasy chinese lunch. Mmmmm...chinese....Coffee is no problem either.

Once in awhile, in the car for example, I would think to myself "Shouldn't I be doing something?". I felt like my hands wanted to do what they've been doing for 14 years...reach out, grab the pack, take one out, put it in my mouth, and light it. But, the notion of doing so was very vague, sort of like a hazy memory.

This is what I really really really like about not smoking, thus far...

• Not smelling like smoke. I was absolutely amazed today when I was driving home from work. The warm breeze (it was 70 degrees today!) flung a chunk of my hair right into my face. After narrowing avoiding death by telephone pole, I realized...I could smell my shampoo. ie...My hair smelled good! For non smokers, this may seem extraordinarily stupid. But, it is totally true. Usually you don't notice if you smell because you smell smoke all the time because you are smoking. (Duh) But, now! It was wonderful. Then I got home and made my husband (who is slowly quitting by the cut down method) smell it. He was all like, "ooooo, that's nice" and then I smell his hair...ugh. Totally stank like cigarette smoke.
• I can take a deep breath again. As I mentioned in my previous bit, non smokers won't get this. Unless they've had pneumonia. Three days ago I couldn't take a deep breath without coughing immediately. Deep breaths include fun things like, um, laughing. So, every time I would really laugh, like belly laugh, I'd end up coughing until I gagged, like a dry heave but in cough form. It was horrible. Today, I was taking deep breaths all day and you know what? No coughing!!! I was singing along to music all the way home. It was great! :0
• Ah, yes...the money. I haven't spent a dime on cigarettes in three days. I've been to the gas station and I didn't buy any. They asked me at the counter, "Is that everything?" and I got to say, "Yep". No cigarettes! Wooooo! It's like a freaking party. But, no one is invited, especially cigarettes. Hahahahahahah.
• I'm waiting for a week to say anything to my mom. I know she'll be thrilled when I make it that long. She'll be even happier when I still don't smoke by the time her birthday comes around (exactly one month from the day I quit). That's right. I said when, not if. I know it. I'm done. :)
• The fact that my husband is seeing how well I'm doing and it is helping him stay motivated to quit. He's basically doing it because we could use the money for more important things. He's actually already pretty motivated but I would like to think it helps him see me not smoking. I was even ok when he smoked in front of me. No problems. I hope it stays like this after I'm done with the patch.
• My cats don't smell like cigarettes anymore. This makes me happier than words can describe. I hated that. Now, they will be healthier too!

So, success! I am happy!