I keep forgetting to blog about this! aaaarhh
I'm still doing well with the patch, though I am running out of the 14 mg ones. I don't know if I will be ready to step down to 7 mg when these run out. I wish you could cut the patches. Y'know...make it custom to fit MY needs. I still want one a few times a day. Like in the morning with coffee. Actually, that's the big one. Sigh. I do miss that. I wish I could trust myself just to smoke that one a day. But, I know I will just smoke more and more, so NO! Not even going to let myself think about that. Grrrrr. I hate smoking and am officially a hater of the tobacco companies! Why must you create this delightfulness that is sooooooooooooooo freaking bad for you, and is soooooooooooo addictive? Hm? Oh, that's right...money. That's the only reason anyone does anything anymore.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Ok, so I suck. I had one. I'm a total loser and can't do anything right. I went out and got more patches, the step 2 ones. Instantly felt better. These itch more than the full strength ones!
Well, I have successfully proven that the habit is gone, but the addiction is full blown and freaking horrible. I have a whole new understanding and compassion for heroin addicts now. Seriously. If smoking is this tough, I can't even begin to imagine how terrible heroin must be. :( So, starting from Day 1 again...unless you don't count that one I had today. I had to. If that makes me weak, so be it. I'm weak. But, I'm back on the wagon. Hopefully, this will work out as well as it did last week until I ran out.
Well, I have successfully proven that the habit is gone, but the addiction is full blown and freaking horrible. I have a whole new understanding and compassion for heroin addicts now. Seriously. If smoking is this tough, I can't even begin to imagine how terrible heroin must be. :( So, starting from Day 1 again...unless you don't count that one I had today. I had to. If that makes me weak, so be it. I'm weak. But, I'm back on the wagon. Hopefully, this will work out as well as it did last week until I ran out.
Day 8
Sigh. Quitting smoking sucks. As I mentioned in my last entry, I am doing this sans patch. So far, I've been ok (if you count almost taking a butt from the trash and smoking it). It's funny though. Once you stop the habit part, you can really tell just how addictive nicotine is. I was bawling my eyes out for no reason yesterday, but I refused to give in.
It is officially pissing me off that my husband hasn't quit. If I can go one week without smoking (three of those days with no nicotine replacement), then he can quit dammit! It is to the point where whenever I see him smoke, I want to...a) punch him in the face b)take all his cigarettes and c) smoke them all in front of him. I seriously don't know what to do, because frankly, I think he's making it so much harder for me. And it's not like we don't have a good reason for quitting. Grrrrr! See how mad I am? We are supposed to be saving money because of the bills and here he is just smoking away. Well, to be fair, he cut down from over a pack a day to like 5 or 6 cigs a day. But still!!! It makes me so freaking mad. More later when I start freaking out again.
It is officially pissing me off that my husband hasn't quit. If I can go one week without smoking (three of those days with no nicotine replacement), then he can quit dammit! It is to the point where whenever I see him smoke, I want to...a) punch him in the face b)take all his cigarettes and c) smoke them all in front of him. I seriously don't know what to do, because frankly, I think he's making it so much harder for me. And it's not like we don't have a good reason for quitting. Grrrrr! See how mad I am? We are supposed to be saving money because of the bills and here he is just smoking away. Well, to be fair, he cut down from over a pack a day to like 5 or 6 cigs a day. But still!!! It makes me so freaking mad. More later when I start freaking out again.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Day 7
I am in hell. Yesterday, I ran out of patches and have no money to go buy more. So, cold turkey it is. I just about exploded last night. This sucks! Dropping the habit first definitely helped, but omfg this is horrible. It comes and goes. Like right now, I feel so out of it and all I can think of doing is smoking a cigarette. I can almost taste it! But I won't won't won't won't smoke. I didn't waste all freaking week tormenting myself for nothing. Fuck cigarettes! I don't need them.
What I do need is something to do. I'm chewing gum like a maniac, I crocheted a table runner already, and I have nothing to do tonight. Maybe I'll just sleep? I don't know. This sucks and I can't wait til this sucky suck part is over. Jesus this sucks.
What I do need is something to do. I'm chewing gum like a maniac, I crocheted a table runner already, and I have nothing to do tonight. Maybe I'll just sleep? I don't know. This sucks and I can't wait til this sucky suck part is over. Jesus this sucks.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Whoops..Day 5 and Day 6
I totally forgot to blog yesterday about my Day 5. Day 5 was fine. No problems.
Day 6 is going well. I just ate some chinese food (again) and have actually contemplated smoking. Not that I can because there are none in the house, but if there were...I dunno. I might have had one. Or a drag. Something. I'm still feeling sick, all nauseous and gross. How can that happen without the withdrawal? I mean, the patch still gives you nicotine, so how could I possibly go through withdrawal? Sigh. Feeling gross sucks.
This, for the record, is the longest I've ever gone without a cigarette since I started smoking. Soo, hooray for me! My husband is having a harder time, because he isn't using the patch. He doesn't smoke whole cigarettes anymore, but he still hasn't broken the habit part of it. That's where I know I have problems, hence the patch. I hope he kicks it soon though. I want to go down a dose and don't think having him smoke will help me in anyway. :P
Did I mention how freaking good my shampoo smells? :) The sense of smell thing is weird and for the first time, cigarettes smelled really really nasty. I guess that's a good sign. Shame everything else smells really really nasty too. Except for the shampoo. That's good.
Day 6 is going well. I just ate some chinese food (again) and have actually contemplated smoking. Not that I can because there are none in the house, but if there were...I dunno. I might have had one. Or a drag. Something. I'm still feeling sick, all nauseous and gross. How can that happen without the withdrawal? I mean, the patch still gives you nicotine, so how could I possibly go through withdrawal? Sigh. Feeling gross sucks.
This, for the record, is the longest I've ever gone without a cigarette since I started smoking. Soo, hooray for me! My husband is having a harder time, because he isn't using the patch. He doesn't smoke whole cigarettes anymore, but he still hasn't broken the habit part of it. That's where I know I have problems, hence the patch. I hope he kicks it soon though. I want to go down a dose and don't think having him smoke will help me in anyway. :P
Did I mention how freaking good my shampoo smells? :) The sense of smell thing is weird and for the first time, cigarettes smelled really really nasty. I guess that's a good sign. Shame everything else smells really really nasty too. Except for the shampoo. That's good.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Day 4
That's right! I got through Day 4, with no problems whatsoever. It's pretty cool to realize you can retrain your body. The hands no longer get all crazy, but according to the comments and looks I've been getting from my husband...my mood hasn't really improved. Well, that's not entirely true. My temper is the problem. I have apparently become rather snappy, but not really in a bad mood.
See, ever since the weekend, I've been feeling sick. Stuffy/runny nose, sneezing, and kinda out of it until today. Today I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit. The nausea was on and off all day. Ugh. I hate feeling like that. So, my original point was that I've been sick, but not necessarily in a bad mood. Stupid temper.
So, still good! My sense of smell is apparently returning and I'll be damned if anything actually smells good. All the different smells I've noticed so far have been awful. From car exhaust to candles burning and coffee brewing to the "bathroom funk"...I hate it! I can't believe that this has been here all along. There is no way my sense of smell was that bad. Because even when I smoked I had a very sharp sense of smell. In all seriousness though...the world smells terrible. Cigarette smoke now stinks like the "Bog of Eternal Stench". I'm sure someone that reads this will get that. It makes me sneeze. My nose has been really dry. I don't know if that is from the patch, not smoking, or being sick. Even though the world smells like poo, it's pretty cool to be like..."yeah. I smelled that way before you did." Ha ha. Speaking of smells...my cat just farted all up in my face and it reeks! Ugh.
Can't wait til Day 5. Maybe I'll smell something non-vomit inducing.
See, ever since the weekend, I've been feeling sick. Stuffy/runny nose, sneezing, and kinda out of it until today. Today I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit. The nausea was on and off all day. Ugh. I hate feeling like that. So, my original point was that I've been sick, but not necessarily in a bad mood. Stupid temper.
So, still good! My sense of smell is apparently returning and I'll be damned if anything actually smells good. All the different smells I've noticed so far have been awful. From car exhaust to candles burning and coffee brewing to the "bathroom funk"...I hate it! I can't believe that this has been here all along. There is no way my sense of smell was that bad. Because even when I smoked I had a very sharp sense of smell. In all seriousness though...the world smells terrible. Cigarette smoke now stinks like the "Bog of Eternal Stench". I'm sure someone that reads this will get that. It makes me sneeze. My nose has been really dry. I don't know if that is from the patch, not smoking, or being sick. Even though the world smells like poo, it's pretty cool to be like..."yeah. I smelled that way before you did." Ha ha. Speaking of smells...my cat just farted all up in my face and it reeks! Ugh.
Can't wait til Day 5. Maybe I'll smell something non-vomit inducing.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Day 3
Even better than Day 2. I really didn't have an urge to smoke at all today. Even after a delicious, spicy, and greasy chinese lunch. Mmmmm...chinese....Coffee is no problem either.
Once in awhile, in the car for example, I would think to myself "Shouldn't I be doing something?". I felt like my hands wanted to do what they've been doing for 14 years...reach out, grab the pack, take one out, put it in my mouth, and light it. But, the notion of doing so was very vague, sort of like a hazy memory.
This is what I really really really like about not smoking, thus far...
So, success! I am happy!
Once in awhile, in the car for example, I would think to myself "Shouldn't I be doing something?". I felt like my hands wanted to do what they've been doing for 14 years...reach out, grab the pack, take one out, put it in my mouth, and light it. But, the notion of doing so was very vague, sort of like a hazy memory.
This is what I really really really like about not smoking, thus far...
- Not smelling like smoke. I was absolutely amazed today when I was driving home from work. The warm breeze (it was 70 degrees today!) flung a chunk of my hair right into my face. After narrowing avoiding death by telephone pole, I realized...I could smell my shampoo. ie...My hair smelled good! For non smokers, this may seem extraordinarily stupid. But, it is totally true. Usually you don't notice if you smell because you smell smoke all the time because you are smoking. (Duh) But, now! It was wonderful. Then I got home and made my husband (who is slowly quitting by the cut down method) smell it. He was all like, "ooooo, that's nice" and then I smell his hair...ugh. Totally stank like cigarette smoke.
- I can take a deep breath again. As I mentioned in my previous bit, non smokers won't get this. Unless they've had pneumonia. Three days ago I couldn't take a deep breath without coughing immediately. Deep breaths include fun things like, um, laughing. So, every time I would really laugh, like belly laugh, I'd end up coughing until I gagged, like a dry heave but in cough form. It was horrible. Today, I was taking deep breaths all day and you know what? No coughing!!! I was singing along to music all the way home. It was great! :0
- Ah, yes...the money. I haven't spent a dime on cigarettes in three days. I've been to the gas station and I didn't buy any. They asked me at the counter, "Is that everything?" and I got to say, "Yep". No cigarettes! Wooooo! It's like a freaking party. But, no one is invited, especially cigarettes. Hahahahahahah.
- I'm waiting for a week to say anything to my mom. I know she'll be thrilled when I make it that long. She'll be even happier when I still don't smoke by the time her birthday comes around (exactly one month from the day I quit). That's right. I said when, not if. I know it. I'm done. :)
- The fact that my husband is seeing how well I'm doing and it is helping him stay motivated to quit. He's basically doing it because we could use the money for more important things. He's actually already pretty motivated but I would like to think it helps him see me not smoking. I was even ok when he smoked in front of me. No problems. I hope it stays like this after I'm done with the patch.
- My cats don't smell like cigarettes anymore. This makes me happier than words can describe. I hated that. Now, they will be healthier too!
So, success! I am happy!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Day 2 Down
I'm doing great! No cigarettes for two whole days! I didn't really feel the urge to smoke today, except after dinner. I kept myself busy with the dishes and then went and got gas. Before I knew it, midnight had arrived. :) What a great feeling! I am conquering an addiction. Hooray!
I'm looking forward to Day 3!
I'm looking forward to Day 3!
Day 2
I made it! My goal was one day, and now I'm on day 2. Baby steps. But, here I am, sick and tired (literally) because I have slept terribly for the past two nights. I don't know if it is the cold I have or if it is the patch and the disbanding of a habit. All I know is...I'm beat.
Other than that, I feel damn good about myself. I don't even want one. I'm even drinking a cup of coffee. :) I found that having a bottle of icy cold water nearby for times when you do want a cigarette really really helps keep your mouth busy. If anyone has used the patch before...did it make your face flush from time to time? Everyone keeps telling me my face is red, but it goes away. I don't know.
So, woot woot! Day 2! I'm sure I will be writing more entries like the one yesterday entitled "aaaaahhhhh". Writing that really did help quite a bit. Onwards!
Other than that, I feel damn good about myself. I don't even want one. I'm even drinking a cup of coffee. :) I found that having a bottle of icy cold water nearby for times when you do want a cigarette really really helps keep your mouth busy. If anyone has used the patch before...did it make your face flush from time to time? Everyone keeps telling me my face is red, but it goes away. I don't know.
So, woot woot! Day 2! I'm sure I will be writing more entries like the one yesterday entitled "aaaaahhhhh". Writing that really did help quite a bit. Onwards!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Aaaaahhhh
Ok, so this sucks. My brain is trying to convince me in any way possible that it would be ok to just have one cigarette. I have literally run out of stuff to keep me busy with, and I am hoping that actually typing this out will make me realize just how stupid it is. I can't NOT think about smoking, because I keep trying to not think about smoking. I've chewed through two packs of gum today just to keep myself busy. I've also sucked down a handful of candy canes. I am so lame. But, I still haven't had a cigarette. I can't even imagine what it must feel like without the patch. I think I'd lose my mind. Or just smoke. But I'm not going to, because I want to quit. Wait, I have quit. I quit. Done. Here's some reasons why I quit smoking...
Money. Every smoker (and ex-smoker) knows just how much this stupid habit costs. Between my husband and myself, we smoked 3 to 4 packs a day. I did say between us, right? Anyway, at minimum each pack costs $4.50, here in PA anyway. So, yeah what does that equal a day? Um...at 3 packs a day that's $13.50 and at 4 packs that's $18. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! A DAY PEOPLE! How stupid is that? Do calculating on the high end, because let's face it...it was probably closer to two packs each than 1.5 anyway. Whatever...For a week, that's $126. For a month, that's $504. For a year, that's...ready for this? ...You sure? ....$6,048! My husband and I might have well just exchanged our 1's, 5's and 20's in for some hundred dollar bills and just smoked them instead. I STILL can't believe how much money that is!!!! It makes me MAD!
Other than money (which was the catalyst for all of this, sadly), I promised my mom that I would quit for her birthday. I know it means a lot to her, and I'm fed up with it. So, in a month...Happy Birthday Mom! :P
Also, there is the health issue. I've known that smoking was messing up my lungs since I started smoking 13 years ago. I get pneumonia from any cold, and I cough all the time. It is time to let the healing begin. :) I want to kick box, I want to run, I want to have sex without getting winded (Yeah, that's pretty sad, right? And I'm not overweight...it is all the lungs), I want my house to not smell like smoke, I want my husband to quit so he will be healthy and live for a long long long time, I want to get better sleep, I want to whiten my teeth because smoking made them yellowy, I want my mind to be stronger than my body and have the willpower to say "%@*# you cigarettes!", I want my mom to be happy, I want my cats to be healthy, I want to stick it to the corporations and healthcare industry...you ain't getting me mofo's! See all these reasons? You know what's great about ranting like this? I don't want a cigarette now. :) Stay tuned for more nonsense. Probably in a few hours.
Money. Every smoker (and ex-smoker) knows just how much this stupid habit costs. Between my husband and myself, we smoked 3 to 4 packs a day. I did say between us, right? Anyway, at minimum each pack costs $4.50, here in PA anyway. So, yeah what does that equal a day? Um...at 3 packs a day that's $13.50 and at 4 packs that's $18. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! A DAY PEOPLE! How stupid is that? Do calculating on the high end, because let's face it...it was probably closer to two packs each than 1.5 anyway. Whatever...For a week, that's $126. For a month, that's $504. For a year, that's...ready for this? ...You sure? ....$6,048! My husband and I might have well just exchanged our 1's, 5's and 20's in for some hundred dollar bills and just smoked them instead. I STILL can't believe how much money that is!!!! It makes me MAD!
Other than money (which was the catalyst for all of this, sadly), I promised my mom that I would quit for her birthday. I know it means a lot to her, and I'm fed up with it. So, in a month...Happy Birthday Mom! :P
Also, there is the health issue. I've known that smoking was messing up my lungs since I started smoking 13 years ago. I get pneumonia from any cold, and I cough all the time. It is time to let the healing begin. :) I want to kick box, I want to run, I want to have sex without getting winded (Yeah, that's pretty sad, right? And I'm not overweight...it is all the lungs), I want my house to not smell like smoke, I want my husband to quit so he will be healthy and live for a long long long time, I want to get better sleep, I want to whiten my teeth because smoking made them yellowy, I want my mind to be stronger than my body and have the willpower to say "%@*# you cigarettes!", I want my mom to be happy, I want my cats to be healthy, I want to stick it to the corporations and healthcare industry...you ain't getting me mofo's! See all these reasons? You know what's great about ranting like this? I don't want a cigarette now. :) Stay tuned for more nonsense. Probably in a few hours.
Day 1
As of 6:22 pm, I still have not had a cigarette today. Woooooo! I am "cheating" with the patch, but I really don't know how I would deal without at least the drug. I figure, kick the habit, then kick the drug. I am way too programmed to smoke at certain times of day, after certain activities, after eating, after doing anything really. So, yeah. I have to say the patch really takes that horrible horrible craving away and just leaves you with really really bored hands and mouth.
So, I have to entertain the hands and the mouth otherwise I will just want to smoke. I got a shitload of gum, candy canes that were 90% off (gotta love that), and I've been keeping myself busy. Things are going well. I really wish I didn't have to use the patch, because I really do feel like I'm cheating. But, that part will come later after I don't automatically reach for the cigarettes when I get in my car or whatever. I even drove for 3 hours today (birthday party back home) and didn't have one cigarette. I chewed my gum furiously for awhile, then destroyed some candy canes. I can't imagine what I must have looked like with a candy cane sticking out of my mouth while driving. Pretty silly.
I'm going to bed early tonight to fight off whatever stupid ritual I have late at night. I always had to have one right before bed, so I have to kick that. I hope the patch doesn't make my sleep uber crappy again tonight. I had the worst sleep ever last night.
Here's to Day 2!
So, I have to entertain the hands and the mouth otherwise I will just want to smoke. I got a shitload of gum, candy canes that were 90% off (gotta love that), and I've been keeping myself busy. Things are going well. I really wish I didn't have to use the patch, because I really do feel like I'm cheating. But, that part will come later after I don't automatically reach for the cigarettes when I get in my car or whatever. I even drove for 3 hours today (birthday party back home) and didn't have one cigarette. I chewed my gum furiously for awhile, then destroyed some candy canes. I can't imagine what I must have looked like with a candy cane sticking out of my mouth while driving. Pretty silly.
I'm going to bed early tonight to fight off whatever stupid ritual I have late at night. I always had to have one right before bed, so I have to kick that. I hope the patch doesn't make my sleep uber crappy again tonight. I had the worst sleep ever last night.
Here's to Day 2!
Countdown to Day 1
Ok, so I had to make this official somehow. And this way, I can laugh at how ridiculous I was when I was quitting. See? I'm already referring to it as already passed. Haha! Take that!
I think I'm prepared. I have the patch (it helped me when I tried to quit before), lollipops, gum, pens, fingernails, and my trusty back up...crochet. I remembered last time that I tried to quit, I decided to try it without using the patch...just cold turkey. I was halfway out of my mind 15 minutes after I woke up that morning. :( So...I put on the patch. It really took away that eyeballs getting fuzzy feeling when you really want a cigarette. I already know that coffee is going to be a problem. I bought some tea to try instead, but man...I need my coffee in the morning. Tea usually doesn't cut it.
I don't know of anything else to have as a distraction. Or back up. I think I covered all my bases. I made sure all edible distractions were fat free...they are packed with sugar, but they are perfect for a replacement. Plus, I am in the early stages of a cold, and that horrible cough is sure to show up at some point. That will make me even gladder that I'm quitting. Ugh. No matter how mild the cold, I always get a cough that developes into pneumonia. Hence quitting smoking. I physically need to. My husband is excited about quitting because of all the money we'll save. Like TONS. We both smoke at least a pack and a half a day. At 4.50 a pop that gets pretty freaking ridiculous, pretty freaking fast.
I am really nervous about what will happen with my temper. I am already a freak out at the drop of a hat, so I am kinda scared about what I'll be like without cigarettes. I already told my husband that whatever I say I cannot be held responsible for during the first two weeks. So, yeah. I'm sure he can't wait either. :P
So, countdown it is. Having my last cigarette ever. Right. Now. And it really isn't that great.
I think I'm prepared. I have the patch (it helped me when I tried to quit before), lollipops, gum, pens, fingernails, and my trusty back up...crochet. I remembered last time that I tried to quit, I decided to try it without using the patch...just cold turkey. I was halfway out of my mind 15 minutes after I woke up that morning. :( So...I put on the patch. It really took away that eyeballs getting fuzzy feeling when you really want a cigarette. I already know that coffee is going to be a problem. I bought some tea to try instead, but man...I need my coffee in the morning. Tea usually doesn't cut it.
I don't know of anything else to have as a distraction. Or back up. I think I covered all my bases. I made sure all edible distractions were fat free...they are packed with sugar, but they are perfect for a replacement. Plus, I am in the early stages of a cold, and that horrible cough is sure to show up at some point. That will make me even gladder that I'm quitting. Ugh. No matter how mild the cold, I always get a cough that developes into pneumonia. Hence quitting smoking. I physically need to. My husband is excited about quitting because of all the money we'll save. Like TONS. We both smoke at least a pack and a half a day. At 4.50 a pop that gets pretty freaking ridiculous, pretty freaking fast.
I am really nervous about what will happen with my temper. I am already a freak out at the drop of a hat, so I am kinda scared about what I'll be like without cigarettes. I already told my husband that whatever I say I cannot be held responsible for during the first two weeks. So, yeah. I'm sure he can't wait either. :P
So, countdown it is. Having my last cigarette ever. Right. Now. And it really isn't that great.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)